mr. OK vs mr. RIGHT

clucthing legs

“I need to talk to you” I said it in a phone with a normal tone as far as I could. But no matter how hard I tried to hide my fear agony, I just knew that I was making my self a clear liar. I bet everyone who had heard me at that time would easily found there was something had gone wrong.

“Ok” that was his short reply which had stroked me as it was never such easy to ask time from him. He was damn busy, completely busy so I even sometimes needed to spend my Saturday night all alone when he had to rest as he had been tiring from his work.

A few hours later, there we were sitting together in my car which had parked under a greenly trees. I had managed not to meet him up in a public place, no, not for this news I needed to inform him. I was shivering inside as I did not know how to start this. And the songs sung from the CD player did not help either.

There was a chill silence between us, I did not dare to start a conversation nor did he. He must have caught something from my call, something which would endanger him and I perfectly knew that he did not want to ask for it first. I inhaled deeply and braved my self to utter several words.

“Babe…” I whispered in a soft fragile voice. One word… And that was the best word I produced; calling him with an intimate nick which other spouse in this world would do.

“Yes princess” he answered me with his gentle smile on his round face showing his white orderly teeth.

Geee… how could I tear this nice light hearted man up? Princess… He always called me princess, a cute nick given to show he fancied me, whilst to me, it was like there wouldn’t be other woman for him as I was his only princess in this world, and he made me like I was his centre of universe. And I felt good about it. But it was not the case, I needed to tell him… Geee I needed to tell him, and why was it so difficult to say it?! WHY??!! I could hear my self exclaimed in my head.

“Yes my dear princess” he said it again and took my right hand, held it close to his face and pressed his lips onto it.

“I always like the smell of your lotion” he added and kissed my hand again.

I recalled all my bravery as I just knew that I needed to stop him doing this, the sooner I told him the better that would it be. Or else I would drown into my guilt feeling of breaking a man who knew how to treat a woman romantically.

I cleared my throat and to my surprise I stated it calmly “I don’t think we should meet again” as calm as I even shocked hearing my own words.

His hand fell down, instead he gazed me with a horror terrified look. I dared my self stared his eyes back even though that slanting black eyes of his seemed shouted and said it can’t be.. not this please..

“But why?” He asked.

Why… reason.. does everything need to have a reason beneath?! “WHY” he had questioned me… BUT WHY… I didn’t understand the real reason as well… It was just after almost 8 months we have been together I couldn’t see this relationship went to its track ! WHY, I didn’t have the answer for those 3 words. Tears tugged in the corner of my eyes… and I clutched my knees to my jaw. Oh man… I didn’t have the answer, did I hurt him for not having the answer? And the fear of hurting him had driven my self into more cries within. Crap! I couldn’t control it, my body was trembling and I could hear myself crying, burst into tears I stated again I didn’t want to meet him anymore, I was leaving him. I was the one who broke him up and I was also the one who cried. What a pathetic. I just felt that I needed to stop this relationship. Was it wrong to have a decision without you knowing the reason???

He penetrated my life when I just gave up my four years relationship into ashes. I was single, a lonely heart broken woman and having him admiring me with his cheerful character in some ways could heal my heartache a little. His warm personality had led me from a frail anger woman to er… to be my self again, a joyful easy going person. Day by day he made a closer step by sending me bouquet of flowers, cuddly teddy bear or simply consoling messages. I found his companion comforting me and somehow I was declared his girlfriend. I didn’t mind at that time. I admitted that I was happy with him, I enjoyed the moment we had shared. We were a perfect match, most people said that and I also knew it. But deep down inside my heart, I realized he was not The One. We could be the right couple but I simply knew he was not my soul mate.

Would you bare yourself into a relation which you know it wasn’t that you mostly wanted? I knew this relation could grow into okay, but I didn’t want to have an “OKAY” relation, I wanted to have more than that, I wanted to have a relation which I felt hilarious about it, eagerly want it and I didn’t find it with him. He was such an ideal man: quite good looking, stable in his career and a man willing to do anything for his woman type. But he wasn’t THE ONE. I didn’t want to have an ideal man, I needed to have that “MR. RIGHT” accompanying me for the rest of my life. Then would I be so wrong if I decided to end up with him? Would I be that jerk if I told him that it would be best for us not to meeting up again?? Would I be the bad-type-heartbreaker-woman if I did that? I was just being honest though; I refused to go on in a fake love. It’s been almost 2 years since I broke him up but still he took me as a bitch who’s not worth of forgiveness… Is a break up always not that easy? Is it…??? Bloody hell… Though years had passed by, there was no such an easy break up, no way man.

Unveiling the secret in Feb 2005.